Originally Posted:Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Mood: 
caffeinated
Now Reading: Clowning in Rome
Topic: Living in the Epic Story
Currently Listening
Gladiator: Music from the Motion Picture
By Original Soundtrack
see related
Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I think I can start posting more now. I think that I can break the silence.
I guess I should start with what God is doing in my life. The only way to do this adequately is to draw back. About two weeks ago I wrote this. For those who don’t know, I got away. I went and stayed in the middle of the woods, alone, for two nights. I needed adventure and could sense it. I needed to get away and wrestle with God on some stuff, and that seemed the remedy for it. That seemed where I could meet Him. It was good. Horrific, but good. It’s funny what happens when you’re alone, in the dark, outside, for an extended time. Funny…scary. It really lets you see what’s inside of you, the good and bad. It’s also funny what God does. How He works. There is consistence, and yet the consistent things are also, seemingly unpredictable. OK, so here is some of my thoughts from that time.
“11/20/05
There truly is something mysterious and yet relational between loneliness and beauty. The fire dying as I look out from the mouth of this cave and across the lake. I see it, I…I feel it. The sun is just rising, breaking the surface of the earth. It illuminates all that was once dark, and horrific (almost nightmarish in my own mind); turning them into something beautiful and clear. Making them friendly and calm once again. The black waters, now blue. The dark shadowy trees that once loomed intimidatingly, are now tall proud things that keep me cool, tucked away from a world that I don’t know if I’m ready for. They sway back and forth kindly, giving me some glimpse and idea of the breeze that I really cannot see, but do see the effects of. The cave: calm, dark, and empty; seemingly dis inviting now. Thrusting me out of itself. “Don’t stay here!!! Move from this place!!! Go out!!! Away to new things, to new lessons, a world awaits you!” It seems to say to me. Am I ready? Do I have what it takes? Truly, God, You are here. Moving through, teaching, changing things. Though death and fear surround me, You are my protector, my guide, my light. You shepherd me through the nights of sorrow, shadow, and death; into the mornings of beauty, newness, and joy. Am I ready? Do I have what it takes? I don’t know. But, You are with me, and You are good, You are true.”
The nights are good, because they bring the mornings. We need both. The nights to wrestle with God and the mornings to praise Him. He is good. We must learn to believe it. In that learning there is a calling to adventure, to search, to contend, to wrestle with God. We have a name like Jacob, but the name that is given to us by God must by necessity, like Jacob’s name, be contended for by a wrestling with Him that gives it. The nights are good, we must embrace them so that we can contend for our name, so that in the mornings we can praise Him because of the name we’ve been given.